The Townie

Who else deserves the first profile than the townie? You know, that guy who you see at the bars when you are in your hometown for the weekend; he just never made it out. In high school, he was probably considered one of the most popular kids in the school: dated the sophomore and freshmen girls while he was a senior, was a starting player on a football team that was terrible and wore his varsity jacket everywhere, and he probably had six or seven close friends equally as annoying.

That guy grew into, well, the same person, except now he has no real reason to exist: he lives with his parents, claims each night that he is looking for a job or some quick way to make money, and gets plastered on $5 pitcher nights, only to drive home drunk and high with one of the three girls that he has been hooking up with since high school, who at one point was hot, but now has put on 30 pounds of beer weight and lost all appeal. What a life. And what's more, the guy may get put on a job by his rich father and make a bunch of money, find some trophy wife, and have kids who will turn out the exact same way.

When it comes down to it, this guy is that big fish in a small pond who you will probably hang out with one night with 5 of your friends playing cards and getting absolutely hammered with. He provides the local knowledge that we need to operate in town: where the new Garden Catering is, how late taco bell is open, the bar special of the night, the nostalgia created from his constant high school lifestyle. He will bestow some of his gossiping wisdom about who is f---ing who (which is ever important if you want to pick up a girl from high school) and provide hours of laughter, both at and with.

DW